Okay, so ice storms are making a skating rink of the Midwest and Texas; there's snow in Malibu; 100 mph winds swept across Europe; in Colorado we still live in a moonscape of rutted ice and mountains of snow; but I need a new swimsuit. I can't think of any worse horror than trying on swimwear in the dressing room of the local department store, so I've ordered several online. As they arrive, I can try them on in my walk-in closet where there are no security cameras and alternately laugh out loud, or cry over not staying on the South Beach Diet. The rejects get dropped back in the self-serve box at the post office, the winner heads to Mexico. This black-and-white print was a front-runner until it arrived. According to Lands' End, potential bathing suit buyers fit into these shape categories: triangle, inverted triangle, rectangle, or star. The star apparently means you have a perfect body (you're 20 years old). Sorry, Lands' End, I am obviously an apple and you don't have a swimsuit for me.
This one has potential - it looks kind of like a maternity suit. The old-fashioned kind, not the belly-baring ones the Hollywood stars wear. Though Roaman's classifies their customers' bodies as hourglass, oval, or triangle. Still no apples. It also says to hand wash. I guess that doesn't mean throw it in the washing machine, does it?
I ordered this one in turquoise. A leap of faith since the view wouldn't change on the website and I can't tell what the color really looks like. This one says it lengthens your legs. I have plenty of leg. I want one that says "Remember those c-sections you had in the '70s when they cut your stomach muscles? This suit is for you." There are no bathing suit descriptions that say that. "Takes off a full inch!" is as far as they'll go.
At Just My Size, they say this yellow one trims tummy, hides hips and "flatters all figure shapes". Except apple. It also "plays up your prettiest curves". That would be my profile; my left side is best.
The dark blue one has little anchors all over it. It arrived icy-cold after the UPS man dropped it on my porch where it sat all day in 8 degrees Fahrenheit. I had to warm it up before I could try it on. It says it has built-in midriff control that "lets you relax". I'd like to, really. But first I have to find a bathing suit.
