Okay, so ice storms are making a skating rink of the Midwest and Texas; there's snow in Malibu; 100 mph winds swept across Europe; in Colorado we still live in a moonscape of rutted ice and mountains of snow; but I need a new swimsuit. I can't think of any worse horror than trying on swimwear in the dressing room of the local department store, so I've ordered several online. As they arrive, I can try them on in my walk-in closet where there are no security cameras and alternately laugh out loud, or cry over not staying on the South Beach Diet. The rejects get dropped back in the self-serve box at the post office, the winner heads to Mexico. This black-and-white print was a front-runner until it arrived. According to Lands' End, potential bathing suit buyers fit into these shape categories: triangle, inverted triangle, rectangle, or star. The star apparently means you have a perfect body (you're 20 years old). Sorry, Lands' End, I am obviously an apple and you don't have a swimsuit for me.
This one has potential - it looks kind of like a maternity suit. The old-fashioned kind, not the belly-baring ones the Hollywood stars wear. Though Roaman's classifies their customers' bodies as hourglass, oval, or triangle. Still no apples. It also says to hand wash. I guess that doesn't mean throw it in the washing machine, does it?
I ordered this one in turquoise. A leap of faith since the view wouldn't change on the website and I can't tell what the color really looks like. This one says it lengthens your legs. I have plenty of leg. I want one that says "Remember those c-sections you had in the '70s when they cut your stomach muscles? This suit is for you." There are no bathing suit descriptions that say that. "Takes off a full inch!" is as far as they'll go.
At Just My Size, they say this yellow one trims tummy, hides hips and "flatters all figure shapes". Except apple. It also "plays up your prettiest curves". That would be my profile; my left side is best.
The dark blue one has little anchors all over it. It arrived icy-cold after the UPS man dropped it on my porch where it sat all day in 8 degrees Fahrenheit. I had to warm it up before I could try it on. It says it has built-in midriff control that "lets you relax". I'd like to, really. But first I have to find a bathing suit.
19 comments:
Thank you for your nice words, Lost Roses. That's a good feeling to know there is someone who is thinking at me.
Sigrun
Oh, your swim suit collection almost put mie in a kind of "summer mood". Where will you wear your new suit, at the beach or at the baths?
BTW, still no snow at all over here, but Germany (and Europe) is sufferung from lots of damages caused by that heavy storm we had on Thursday.
Yes, we are getting the most awful winds here in Ireland, blowing down trees all over.
Some nice swimsuits, I like the one in the middle, the reddish one. But you ordered a turquiose.
They really shouldn't have such skinny women modeling those. Skinny women wear bikinis! I want to see how the clothes would look on normal people like you and me, shaped like apples or pears. ;-)
I have solved the bathing suit problem years ago.
I simply don't wear one.
I'd have to have one that went to the knees to cover my huge thighs.
I do hope you find something suitable for your trip to Mexico. Ah, sipping pina coladas on the sandy shores at 80 degrees........it sounds so much nicer than shoveling snow in a blustery 12 degrees.
There is nothing worse than shopping for a swimsuit. It's a dreaded chorse and one I haven't done in several years. It was fun 20 years ago. But I'm an apple now... I like the third and fifth ones. Good Luck!
Although I only know you from your blog - I loves ya, Lost Roses!
My daughter warned me way ahead of time about the family reunion at the beach last summer, so I'd have time for the agony of hunting for a suit. I fooled her - one from a Hawaiian trip still fit, and the fabric had miraculously not deteriorated, so my hunt took two minutes.
As the Baby Boomer generation ages, will some enterprising beach resort owner gain a following by installing one of these?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bathing_machine
Annie at the Transplantable Rose
The good news is... you are going to Mexico, I presume to warm beaches and sunny skies! Good luck on your search. I have no bathing suit at the moment, either. I'd need one that also "offsets the glow from pale, white skin"!
(Hmmm... just wondered, they aren't having weird weather in Mexico are they? You might want to check...)
Sigrun and Anita, when I heard about the wind storms I wondered about your welfare in Germany. Glad you were personally spared the damage.
Anita, when we are in Mexico my favorite spot is under the shade of a palm tree, with an occasional dip in the pool or a soak in the hot tub. That's about as close to the baths as it gets at our hotel!
Salix, I agree about showing people with "real bodies" modeling swimsuits. But if we saw that, we probably wouldn't order! Hope springs eternal.
Zoey, your comment reminded me that I have a photo somewhere of my mother wearing a bathing suit that "went to her knees" in the early 1900's. Too bad those aren't still in fashion. As for the pina coladas, I like to rotate them with strawberry daquiris for the full vacation feeling! (This could have something to do with the figure problem, I suppose).
Mary, thanks for sharing my pain! The funny thing is, 20 years ago I never thought I looked very good in a bathing suit. If I had that body back I'd be thinking about a two-piece!
Annie, you're a kindred spirit! That bathing machine article is so funny, I remember when I first heard that there had been such a thing I could hardly believe it. Wonder what we're doing in all sincerity now that peoople will laugh about in 100 years? Don't you love the poses on the 1902 bathing beauties? They know they're being "risque"!
Glad you were able to fool your daughter and save yourself some pain on your bathing suit find!
Carol, ah yes, the pearly white skin! I've noticed that most tourists in Mexico already have tans when they check-in. It appears to be a badge of honor to arrive looking like you've been there for two weeks. I'll take the shade of a palm tree in favor of the tanning booth. Even when the weather is "bad" down there (rain) it may plummet a whole ten degrees down to 70F. Sounds mighty good to me right now. I just checked weather.com, all looks normal.
A perfect post for me as I'm heading for Florida soon..ah I think I'll get a spray tan.. then all my bulges won't look so bad..I hate shopping for Bathing suits.:( NG
Hmmm. did you come across any suits that flatter a malformed sausage?
I would love to be able to relax in a bathing suit. But that would require a panel made of rubber. Or concrete.
I've had two kids, the "natural way", but getting them cut out of me sounded like a good deal at the time.
At least I had a marvelous midwife who promised to stitch my episiotomy nice and tight, to retain my "youthful bounciness".
Thanks for the giggles you brought me tonight.
(And thanks for visiting my blog!)
Hehe! I could do with some serious midriff control!!! Very enjoyable post!
You are too funny... and too cute!
Hope the best swim suit wins and you knock em dead in Mexico! Have a blast!
Naturegirl, you're right about the tan. Though I never could get a decent one back in the day (when I cared!), I always thought a good tan distracted the eye from the bulges! Enjoy your Florida trip, those are the only warm temps I'm seeing on the weather maps lately.
Susan, Relaxing in a bathing suit won't happen for me. Oh wait, when I put on my cover-up I feel a slight lessening of tension! Glad you enjoyed the post, I find laughing at myself a great stress reliever!
Clare, I think a lot of us are in the same boat. Those who aren't, I envy, but I'm happy to know there's quite a few of us still paddling like crazy!
Linda, thanks for your comment! I can guarantee that I won't be knocking anyone dead but I will have a good time!
Unless you are going with a large group of people you know and aren't comfortable with, keep whichever suit is the most comfortable! I remember worrying about finding the "right" bathing suit. I realized somewhere around 40ish that I would never see the people I met on vacation again. I'm a definite pear - huge hips and no chest so no one piece suit fits me well. Have you tried a two piece?
Just be thankful you're not going to a nude beach! But then, it would solve the problem of having to find a swimsuit! lol Hi LostRoses, thank you so much for visiting my blog and leaving a comment:-) I just had to mosey on over here and check out your blog too...wow, you've got all the snow we usually have by now! No wonder there's hardly any here, you have it all! lol Lucky you, going to Mexico soon!! Until then, stay warm and good luck finding a swimsuit:-) Hugs xox
Apple, are you sure you're a Pear? Sorry, I couldn't resist! I did feature your name rather prominently in this post, didn't I?
Unfortunately, I see pretty much the same people there year after year and they've been witness to my once-svelte figure burgeoning to new dimensions. On the other hand, I'm sure they could care less! Come to think of it, they've changed a lot in 20 years too!
Pea, I shudder to think of a nude beach, but it would solve the problem, wouldn't it?
Yes, we have all your snow. Another 9 inches today. Just like clockwork every weekend for the past 6 weeks! We surrender!
I cannot stand the Lands End suits! They run a size too small and they aren't attractive at all! The neck lines are too high and the leg lines are too low!
Good luck!
you funny lady you made my day.and believe me I needed it.I giggled all the way through this post.I would love to find a swim suit to but know they dont carry Omar the tent maker suits in any of the stores.I have more bumps and blages and curves them most mountain ranges.so finding one is pretty much a waste of time trying.hope you do find one.and thanks so much for the giggles.God bless you.
I liked these all very much! Hmmm...maybe I should find a new one for the next summer too.
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